I've got to admit I have the tendency to worry a lot. I worry about all sorts of things but the most detrimental is probably my irrational worries about being betrayed or abandoned.
I'm the type of person who, for as long as I can remember, always expects the person whom I love most to leave just when things get to the important stages. Whether it's friendship (my best friend can confirm. When I got sick I became secluded, a hermit, to the point where he felt that his opinion didn't matter to me. It wasn't intentional, it was a defense mechanism since someone I really trusted had just done exactly that. I suppose the effect rolled over and affected everyone around me.), or love, or acquaintances.
It's... amazingly hard for me to sit back and not wonder 'what if' all the time. Especially in relationships. To the point where I often destroy the relationship myself, or it deteriorates due to my distance and then sudden clinging. I can understand how no one would be able to keep up with that. To one minute hear "I love you" and the next minute get silent treatment or judgmental tones in simple phrases like "I understand. no. it's alright. you don't have to." I imagine it must drive anyone into confusion and frustration when this happens.
Ever since last year and certain situations occurred, I've been better... and worse. See, it's one thing to tell myself "Plu, it's ok, surely they've a very good reason for not contacting you. They DEFINITELY aren't doing anything fishy behind your back." to try and convince myself of someones obvious innocence. It's a very different thing to get my psyche to believe it. While every rational fiber in my being is stating the obvious and that I'm being paranoid, my chest hurts a little with that ounce of worry that always seems to hover.
I don't think that this is something externally caused anymore. At the beginning when I first became like this, it was, because I'd been lied to, cheated on, and hurt before in really bad ways. Now that can't even be the reason. Now the people I've chosen to keep around me have good intentions and good hearts. I trust them. Shockingly I trust them. But my body doesn't. I can't help but wonder if it's become a reflex mechanism. The instinct to distrust versus the blatant evidence of having no reason to.
Hopefully, now that I can trust them with a certain part of me, the rest of me will adapt to trusting them more. This isn't to say I'll trust ANYONE. I just hope to trust those people I love. I want to have faith in myself to the point where if I am scared, I choose to run to my best friend, or to my loved one, and say "Hi. Please take care of me for a minute, there's a chance I might do something stupid." before it ever gets to that point.
Lacking in (but making the effort!) trust,
Plutonia
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Patience is a virtue, but wasting money and time is not.
I'm awful at getting costumes together in time for Halloween. Usually because despite it being the day I celebrate my birthday, I don't normally do anything on that day. This year I opted for something different and happy.
I chose to invite two friends with me to the Miami Seaquarium for their Halloween night event. The thing is, the payment for my costume cleared on October 22. This leaves very little time for my costume to get here through UPS and the vendor on ebay didn't send me a tracking number so I'm sitting crossing my fingers and waiting. The problem with this is, that I am one of those people who utterly HATES wasting time and money without knowing if the effort will pay off or not.
Not to mention its my birthday. Its supposed to feel good. I am supposed to be happy.
So here it is. Just a few days to go. And I have to be patient. Not an easy task for Plutonia, my friends. Not at all.
Wish me luck and good Halloween vibes!
Plutonia
I chose to invite two friends with me to the Miami Seaquarium for their Halloween night event. The thing is, the payment for my costume cleared on October 22. This leaves very little time for my costume to get here through UPS and the vendor on ebay didn't send me a tracking number so I'm sitting crossing my fingers and waiting. The problem with this is, that I am one of those people who utterly HATES wasting time and money without knowing if the effort will pay off or not.
Not to mention its my birthday. Its supposed to feel good. I am supposed to be happy.
So here it is. Just a few days to go. And I have to be patient. Not an easy task for Plutonia, my friends. Not at all.
Wish me luck and good Halloween vibes!
Plutonia
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Hot Rainy Days and Irish Pubs.
I'm not from Miami in the orthodox sense. I was born here but I grew up in New England. Massachusetts to be more precise. Western Mass, but traveled all over New England and became very fond of the area as I grew up. Then I had to move back to Miami due to typical life circumstances.
It's very rare that I find myself feeling mellow and peaceful around here, and the feeling of guilt always seems to be hovering over me. Whenever I find a sanctuary that reminds me of home I feel that tension and guilt fade away, I don't worry as much about the amount I spend or how I'm going to go forward with my day, instead I guess I revert back to childlike sense of safety and security (which is odd because I never really had that, read post #1 for that information).
Today, though, I went to John Martins in Coral Gables. I had seen it before while my friend and I had waited for the ice cream shop next door to open a few months back, and I had been wanting to go in for a while. I wondered if it would have the same soothing feeling of O'Malley's in South Beach. The truth is they are both so amazingly different, but very lovable. At least to me anyway. While O'Malley's catered to my sporty side, indulged me and Mr. Neptune (my best friend who puts up with far too many of my antics) in escaping the hub bub of South Beach; John Martins reminded me of so many things I've probably been missing but didn't realize. When I walked in the room was filled with so many textures and colours, they all melted together to form an eclectic living scrapbook. The chairs were upholstered and padded, the tables were dark wood and mismatched shapes but fit well with the feeling of the place, there were knickknacks and artifacts everywhere.
The staff is really very charming as well. The ladies who served me, Alexandra and France (I really hope I chose the right spelling since I didn't ask how she spelled her nickname), were really sweet and chill. It's funny. I walk around Miami and I observe people, but I don't usually find people who are deep in thought. They all seem like they just rush all over the place with no desire to understand what might be ahead or what they've left behind. These girls appeared pensive and intelligent to me. There was something about them that clearly told me they wouldn't be stuck in this city forever, that there's a bigger plan for them. I also noticed that they don't carry those weird boulders of grudges on their shoulders like most Miamians do. At the very least their personalities didn't fit that mindset. I hope I encounter more people like them in the future, it'd give me more hope towards the future that looks rather dismal.
As for the food? Delicious! The Irish Dip sandwich was mouth watering and worth every bite (and the destruction of a shirt that has long survived many other disasters. If Mr. Jupiter had been there he would have made me wear a bib.... again), its made with Sirloin Beef with Roasted Peppers, Onions, and Mushrooms topped with Swiss and Provolone Cheese, Guinness au jus but I ixnay'ed the peppers for today. Then came dessert. Mind you, I don't normally eat that many sweets, at least not what feels like two desserts, but like I said, this place tossed out any sense of guilt I often carry. At the girls' suggestion I went with the Irish Whiskey Bread Pudding and a scoop of Bailey's Ice Cream. One thing is for sure, after I was done eating I considered for a fraction of a moment whether I should have indulged so much. After giving it some thought I chose to be honest with myself. It's rare that I get to do something so comforting and relaxing, it's rare that I get to sit somewhere and feel like there are no pressures on me to accomplish anything other than sitting there and enjoying whats in front of me. I ate it. I'd normally feel like crap about it. I don't feel like crap about it. I'm actually proud of myself for finding something that has made me a bit adaptable and has given me a sense of home.
The truth of the matter is, Massachusetts is still a long way away. Yes, I had moved back there recently, yes, things did not work out. Money is tight and life is hard but I'm not going to give up my goals. I'm heading back there eventually. As long as there are places like John Martins and O'Malley's to keep me going, to remind me that home is a flight away and all I need to do is really reach for it, I'll make it back to what is right for me.
The purpose of this blog is not really about reviewing food. It's about reviewing my experiences, understanding how I've grown and how I've reverted. Here's what I learned today though:
Just because you leave home, doesn't mean you should close off anything new out of fear. Just because you walk away from something for a day or a year or ten years, doesn't mean it will be just as you left it when you go back to it. Life is about adapting. Sometimes in the process of being honest with yourself and adapting to whats around you, you'll find amazing and comforting little pieces of things that remind you of home and you will cherish them, BUT you can't find these places and things if you close yourself off to the point where you only stick with what you create as an illusion of home. Four walls do not make a home, they create a shelter. It's your mindset that makes a place home.
Forever home in my mind,
Plutonia
It's very rare that I find myself feeling mellow and peaceful around here, and the feeling of guilt always seems to be hovering over me. Whenever I find a sanctuary that reminds me of home I feel that tension and guilt fade away, I don't worry as much about the amount I spend or how I'm going to go forward with my day, instead I guess I revert back to childlike sense of safety and security (which is odd because I never really had that, read post #1 for that information).
Today, though, I went to John Martins in Coral Gables. I had seen it before while my friend and I had waited for the ice cream shop next door to open a few months back, and I had been wanting to go in for a while. I wondered if it would have the same soothing feeling of O'Malley's in South Beach. The truth is they are both so amazingly different, but very lovable. At least to me anyway. While O'Malley's catered to my sporty side, indulged me and Mr. Neptune (my best friend who puts up with far too many of my antics) in escaping the hub bub of South Beach; John Martins reminded me of so many things I've probably been missing but didn't realize. When I walked in the room was filled with so many textures and colours, they all melted together to form an eclectic living scrapbook. The chairs were upholstered and padded, the tables were dark wood and mismatched shapes but fit well with the feeling of the place, there were knickknacks and artifacts everywhere.
The staff is really very charming as well. The ladies who served me, Alexandra and France (I really hope I chose the right spelling since I didn't ask how she spelled her nickname), were really sweet and chill. It's funny. I walk around Miami and I observe people, but I don't usually find people who are deep in thought. They all seem like they just rush all over the place with no desire to understand what might be ahead or what they've left behind. These girls appeared pensive and intelligent to me. There was something about them that clearly told me they wouldn't be stuck in this city forever, that there's a bigger plan for them. I also noticed that they don't carry those weird boulders of grudges on their shoulders like most Miamians do. At the very least their personalities didn't fit that mindset. I hope I encounter more people like them in the future, it'd give me more hope towards the future that looks rather dismal.
As for the food? Delicious! The Irish Dip sandwich was mouth watering and worth every bite (and the destruction of a shirt that has long survived many other disasters. If Mr. Jupiter had been there he would have made me wear a bib.... again), its made with Sirloin Beef with Roasted Peppers, Onions, and Mushrooms topped with Swiss and Provolone Cheese, Guinness au jus but I ixnay'ed the peppers for today. Then came dessert. Mind you, I don't normally eat that many sweets, at least not what feels like two desserts, but like I said, this place tossed out any sense of guilt I often carry. At the girls' suggestion I went with the Irish Whiskey Bread Pudding and a scoop of Bailey's Ice Cream. One thing is for sure, after I was done eating I considered for a fraction of a moment whether I should have indulged so much. After giving it some thought I chose to be honest with myself. It's rare that I get to do something so comforting and relaxing, it's rare that I get to sit somewhere and feel like there are no pressures on me to accomplish anything other than sitting there and enjoying whats in front of me. I ate it. I'd normally feel like crap about it. I don't feel like crap about it. I'm actually proud of myself for finding something that has made me a bit adaptable and has given me a sense of home.
The truth of the matter is, Massachusetts is still a long way away. Yes, I had moved back there recently, yes, things did not work out. Money is tight and life is hard but I'm not going to give up my goals. I'm heading back there eventually. As long as there are places like John Martins and O'Malley's to keep me going, to remind me that home is a flight away and all I need to do is really reach for it, I'll make it back to what is right for me.
The purpose of this blog is not really about reviewing food. It's about reviewing my experiences, understanding how I've grown and how I've reverted. Here's what I learned today though:
Just because you leave home, doesn't mean you should close off anything new out of fear. Just because you walk away from something for a day or a year or ten years, doesn't mean it will be just as you left it when you go back to it. Life is about adapting. Sometimes in the process of being honest with yourself and adapting to whats around you, you'll find amazing and comforting little pieces of things that remind you of home and you will cherish them, BUT you can't find these places and things if you close yourself off to the point where you only stick with what you create as an illusion of home. Four walls do not make a home, they create a shelter. It's your mindset that makes a place home.
Forever home in my mind,
Plutonia
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