It's always hardest to be honest with oneself.

I've got to admit I have the tendency to worry a lot. I worry about all sorts of things but the most detrimental is probably my irrational worries about being betrayed or abandoned.

I'm the type of person who, for as long as I can remember, always expects the person whom I love most to leave just when things get to the important stages. Whether it's friendship (my best friend can confirm. When I got sick I became secluded, a hermit, to the point where he felt that his opinion didn't matter to me. It wasn't intentional, it was a defense mechanism since someone I really trusted had just done exactly that. I suppose the effect rolled over and affected everyone around me.), or love, or acquaintances.

It's... amazingly hard for me to sit back and not wonder 'what if' all the time. Especially in relationships. To the point where I often destroy the relationship myself, or it deteriorates due to my distance and then sudden clinging. I can understand how no one would be able to keep up with that. To one minute hear "I love you" and the next minute get silent treatment or judgmental tones in simple phrases like "I understand. no. it's alright. you don't have to." I imagine it must drive anyone into confusion and frustration when this happens.


Ever since last year and certain situations occurred, I've been better... and worse. See, it's one thing to tell myself "Plu, it's ok, surely they've a very good reason for not contacting you. They DEFINITELY aren't doing anything fishy behind your back." to try and convince myself of someones obvious innocence. It's a very different thing to get my psyche to believe it. While every rational fiber in my being is stating the obvious and that I'm being paranoid, my chest hurts a little with that ounce of worry that always seems to hover.

I don't think that this is something externally caused anymore. At the beginning when I first became like this, it was, because I'd been lied to, cheated on, and hurt before in really bad ways. Now that can't even be the reason. Now the people I've chosen to keep around me have good intentions and good hearts. I trust them. Shockingly I trust them. But my body doesn't. I can't help but wonder if it's become a reflex mechanism. The instinct to distrust versus the blatant evidence of having no reason to.

Hopefully, now that I can trust them with a certain part of me, the rest of me will adapt to trusting them more. This isn't to say I'll trust ANYONE. I just hope to trust those people I love. I want to have faith in myself to the point where if I am scared, I choose to run to my best friend, or to my loved one, and say "Hi. Please take care of me for a minute, there's a chance I might do something stupid." before it ever gets to that point.


Lacking in (but making the effort!) trust,
Plutonia