Happy Holidays everyone!
Never a dull moment in this concrete jungle full of citrus and ocean breezes. I've often noticed that Miami is built a bit like a barricade. Even though we have almost immediate access to the ocean, most of the city is inverted so that the buildings block out any natural light, the sight of sea water, and human interaction. There are a few areas that I absolutely love about Miami but they are heavily outweighed by the things I dislike about it.
One of the things I can't stand, for example, is the way that perfect strangers who try to preach at me or try to force me to go to their church react when they find out I'm Jewish. "But... you're hispanic. How can you be Jewish?" or "That doesn't matter, you need Jesus in your life, come to my church we'll FIX you." and the ever most infamous "You can't be Jewish. Jews killed Jesus. Do you think thats right? That they killed Jesus? We can save you."
What.The.Crack.Are.You.On? No. The Jews did not kill Jesus. According to even the Christian Bible, the Jews just stood aside while the ROMANS killed Jesus (yeah, those very same romans that have a vatican in Italy with a pope.). There are many things I do not agree with when it comes to religion, even in some cases things that pertain to Judaism. Here's the thing though, I don't claim to be a good person because of a title of 'belief' that is placed on me. No. I'm a good person because I bend over backwards to help others, even when they are not very nice to me. Also, because I'm just plain kind of heart. I dislike seeing sadness or pain on anyones face. My instinct when I have an uneaten bag of chips in my purse after lunch, is to give it to the man rifling through the trash for food when I get off the bus, even though I know I'm struggling in my own way.
Money is a big deal to me, a huge deal really. Not because I want grandeur, but more so because I abhor owing anyone anything. It pains me to know that I signed on for something and then halfway through can't meet my end of the bargain. I avoid luxuries and I give give give until so little is left that even if I did have the urge to splurge I just can't. Never once do I complain. When I get preached at, when people try to drag me to their sermons, when they spit on my beliefs and accuse me of not being 'good enough' for a blessed after life, I smile and shake my head gently, always saying "Excuse me, I really have to go now. I need to take care of some things." and I leave without hurting them.
Faith is a beautiful thing. I admire those who can have faith so blindly. I think it's noble. I also think it's a little naive but I wouldn't want to burst their bubble if it's what keeps them going.
On a very serious note, however, I find it incredibly cruel to have someone sit there and say the above things to me. I find it harsh for anyone to assume that a building with a cross on it, will make any more of a difference than a building with a star on its door or a Book of Shadows (for the ones who celebrate Paganism or Wicca), or for those who go to a Muslim temple or Buddhist.
It is not our place as human beings to define god, or the gods, or any spirit. It just isn't. That is like saying that instead of the universe (for those who are atheists or agnostics) or God (for the religious) is controlled by US the humans. It's incredulous. Blasphemy on every religious level.
Therefore, it is also not our place to say, "My religion is the right one.", because guess what, your religion, is the same as mine, the same as the next persons. Overall they all say the same thing, be good unto others. Be good unto your earth that feeds you, be kind to the ones that gave you life, and be patient with the ones who make it harder.
Do not tell me I cannot be Jewish because I might as well have killed Jesus. Do not attempt to tell me that I can be saved. I can be the only one to save myself and I think I've done a rather fantastic job at that. Don't ask me to disregard my beliefs just because it clashes with my skin color or the language I speak or the island I come from. Most of all, don't you dare assume that you are a better person than I am, just because under a piece of paper where it says "Faith" you can check off anything else, or nothing at all. I am myself, my beliefs are what they are, and I still embrace those I love and even those who have hurt me, and wish them the best. Not many people have that kind of faith... in themselves.
With honesty and best wishes unto everyone under the sky, whether religious or not,
Sincerely (although long-winded),
Plutonia
Friday, December 25, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
If you love them, feed them!
If there is one thing that makes me feel amazingly warm inside and hopeful, it is watching other people enjoy a meal I've cooked for them. The process of cooking, itself, is wondrous and fulfilling to me. I learn so much about myself in the process. Probably because I am so focused on what is happening, that I don't have the space in my mind for the clutter of the outside world.
When I cook, I reminisce, but more often than that, I envision the type of lifestyle I want in the future. In my future I picture snowy white winters filled with warm stews and delicious home baked bread. I see kids running around competing with each other to see who gets the biggest cookie right out of the oven. Thanksgivings filled with so much food that everyone walks away with loads of leftovers to take home. More often than not, I see myself falling asleep peacefully and with my mind cleared.
It's easy to fall into a rut and think that no matter what we do, nothing will ever make us feel better. Remember those movies where the girl who is so sad over her breakup that she stuffs her face and never leaves the bed? Well, sad to say, a lot of the time for many people that is how they handle pain. It's understandable. After all, seeking comfort in familiar things tends to heal the heart. The thing those movies never tell you, however, is that sometimes it feels even better to take yourself to the market, get a bunch of ingredients, and cook your heart out.
For the sad hearts, I suggest cooking pastas with rich tomato based sauces, delicious bread full of herbs, and mushrooms with loads of cheese. For those seeking bravery, definitely go with a strong steak (if you're a meat eater that is) and potatoes with a nice glass of wine, nothing makes you feel more ready to tackle anything than a good old fashioned meal. For those in love, bake a cake, a pie, whatever is sweet but tart and keeps your head in the clouds but your feet on the ground. I swear, there is a meal for every emotion. Food is such a beautiful thing when it is handled right. Food should NEVER make you feel guilty. You should love what you're eating and your body just as much after eating it. The right food, will never make you feel disgusting.
It's important to know how to cook food in a healthy and delicious way, as much as it is important to enjoy it wholeheartedly. If you feel guilty about what you've eaten, chances are it was not cooked the right way and that is why you feel so sluggish and depressed about it afterward.
I have friends who have severe issues with food. I love each and every one of them so much that it is often on my mind that I would love to show them that food can love them back in a healthy way, not in the frightening way they've become used to approaching it. I also had severe problems with my relationship with food. In middle school and high school I battled with bulimia, with long periods of not eating, and pill popping, all to fit into an image of myself that I really thought I wanted. It's not as though food is the real problem, but approaching it with a fresh idea of what is POSSIBLE to do with it, might help overcome this.
When a friend gave me this website to view new recipes as well as a fresh perspective on what food is really about, my passion for cooking escalated and any guilt that used to accompany left in an instant.
Visit: TasteSpotting
You're probably thinking "That is not possible. Things like that don't go away so easily." and you'd be right, it wasn't JUST the site that gave me that closure. It was the many hours I spent reading and discovering how other HEALTHY people approached food and how they felt about it. It was beautiful. The food that we disregard so often is actually gorgeous when you see it for what it is. Sans chemicals, food tastes BETTER. With less salt/oil and more herbs, food tastes light and filling without the "ugh" factor after it.
When I finally have my own home one day, I intend to take those friends by the hand and lead them to a table where the food invites them in, and says goodbye to them in a healthy way, a happy way. I want them to eat the yummy things they are afraid of and smile happily in the process. I want to see them enjoy who they are, the body they in, and the food that they get to have that day.
Eating disorders are not funny, chronic dieting is frightening, and pill popping is just downright reckless. If you love someone who has these issues, discover a new way to cook, get them psychological help, and feed them the guiltless foods you learn about along the way. Remind them that they are wonderful, but hold them when they are in doubt without trying to force them to see themselves differently. It will always take time, sometimes even a lifetime.
Eat safe, Dine happy, Live free,
Always with love,
Plutonia
When I cook, I reminisce, but more often than that, I envision the type of lifestyle I want in the future. In my future I picture snowy white winters filled with warm stews and delicious home baked bread. I see kids running around competing with each other to see who gets the biggest cookie right out of the oven. Thanksgivings filled with so much food that everyone walks away with loads of leftovers to take home. More often than not, I see myself falling asleep peacefully and with my mind cleared.
It's easy to fall into a rut and think that no matter what we do, nothing will ever make us feel better. Remember those movies where the girl who is so sad over her breakup that she stuffs her face and never leaves the bed? Well, sad to say, a lot of the time for many people that is how they handle pain. It's understandable. After all, seeking comfort in familiar things tends to heal the heart. The thing those movies never tell you, however, is that sometimes it feels even better to take yourself to the market, get a bunch of ingredients, and cook your heart out.
For the sad hearts, I suggest cooking pastas with rich tomato based sauces, delicious bread full of herbs, and mushrooms with loads of cheese. For those seeking bravery, definitely go with a strong steak (if you're a meat eater that is) and potatoes with a nice glass of wine, nothing makes you feel more ready to tackle anything than a good old fashioned meal. For those in love, bake a cake, a pie, whatever is sweet but tart and keeps your head in the clouds but your feet on the ground. I swear, there is a meal for every emotion. Food is such a beautiful thing when it is handled right. Food should NEVER make you feel guilty. You should love what you're eating and your body just as much after eating it. The right food, will never make you feel disgusting.
It's important to know how to cook food in a healthy and delicious way, as much as it is important to enjoy it wholeheartedly. If you feel guilty about what you've eaten, chances are it was not cooked the right way and that is why you feel so sluggish and depressed about it afterward.
I have friends who have severe issues with food. I love each and every one of them so much that it is often on my mind that I would love to show them that food can love them back in a healthy way, not in the frightening way they've become used to approaching it. I also had severe problems with my relationship with food. In middle school and high school I battled with bulimia, with long periods of not eating, and pill popping, all to fit into an image of myself that I really thought I wanted. It's not as though food is the real problem, but approaching it with a fresh idea of what is POSSIBLE to do with it, might help overcome this.
When a friend gave me this website to view new recipes as well as a fresh perspective on what food is really about, my passion for cooking escalated and any guilt that used to accompany left in an instant.
Visit: TasteSpotting
You're probably thinking "That is not possible. Things like that don't go away so easily." and you'd be right, it wasn't JUST the site that gave me that closure. It was the many hours I spent reading and discovering how other HEALTHY people approached food and how they felt about it. It was beautiful. The food that we disregard so often is actually gorgeous when you see it for what it is. Sans chemicals, food tastes BETTER. With less salt/oil and more herbs, food tastes light and filling without the "ugh" factor after it.
When I finally have my own home one day, I intend to take those friends by the hand and lead them to a table where the food invites them in, and says goodbye to them in a healthy way, a happy way. I want them to eat the yummy things they are afraid of and smile happily in the process. I want to see them enjoy who they are, the body they in, and the food that they get to have that day.
Eating disorders are not funny, chronic dieting is frightening, and pill popping is just downright reckless. If you love someone who has these issues, discover a new way to cook, get them psychological help, and feed them the guiltless foods you learn about along the way. Remind them that they are wonderful, but hold them when they are in doubt without trying to force them to see themselves differently. It will always take time, sometimes even a lifetime.
Eat safe, Dine happy, Live free,
Always with love,
Plutonia
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
It's not a curse if you made it happen.
Since my 25th birthday came and went, I've become a bit of an extroverted hermit. The oxymoron is pretty funny but also very accurate. I'm suddenly more aware of myself than I've ever been, and shockingly, I feel like my life has FINALLY actually started.
I used to swear up and down that I'd never live to be 24. Now I'm 25. I remember roughly upwards of 20 suicide attempts. I remember popping pills like crazy to stay awake and study obsessively, then taking downers just to sleep on the weekends. There were times, when honestly, I wouldn't eat. For days. I got so desperate that I drank cooking wine when I was 18. Other times, I'd drag myself out of the house just to buy a case of lager which I'd drink alone in my room until I burst into tears thinking that there was no way on earth that anyone could ever love me, when I couldn't even love me.
Yeah, being young, hurts that fucking much. It is NOT the best time of your life. It's genuinely the hardest. Later on, we can put on brave faces and be extremely strong if we let ourselves be, if we willingly recall the things we learned and conquered in the past.
There were days, when I couldn't get out of bed in the morning. Especially those bright, annoyingly sunny days. Yes. Annoyingly sunny, because no matter how bright it was outside, my insides felt corroded and like a window taped up and guarded to avoid all light. I hated sunny days for all of the wrong reasons. It reminded me of everything I couldn't have.
Imagine standing on a platform waiting for a train so you can go to school, when you're 18 and picturing throwing yourself in front of the train. Imagine actually STARTING TO DO IT. That was me. I was the girl who would quietly step up really close to the edge and beg for an ounce of "bravery" to make that jump. Same with balconies, cliffs, and trying to drown. People who say suicide is the easy way out, have no idea what goes through our heads while we consider it. "How much will the funeral cost my family?", "what... what about my TURTLES?", "god, did I pick the right underwear?". Trivial as these thoughts might be, they signify the exact feeling of abandonment that is lurking inside. The thought about costing your family money, it means feeling like a burden. The turtles? They're the only thing that I thought loved me. The underwear? Well that should be obvious. Societal standards, the judgement, the idea of being naked to anyone who is trying to figure out exactly how you died and having them judge you for wearing the wrong knickers. They are acute fears that provide a weak and fragile tie to reality and to life.
I have an ex, who once badgered me like crazy to find out why I cried so much. It was always like some odd twisted situation with us. He wanted to believe he could cure me. He came from a military family, his dad was supposedly hard on him and his brother. Since he kept badgering, I finally answered. He couldn't handle it. The more I cried, the colder and more distant he became. After a two hour explanation of the entirety of my life until that point, he just.... hung up the call. I freaked out assuming it was my fault, as usual, and called back to apologize. We tried to reconnect our relationship twice after that, when suddenly on Valentines day, after a $300 gift of lilies and chocolates (I'm allergic to chocolates but it's the thought that counts right?) he told me that he couldn't love me anymore. That I had left a big black hole where his heart used to be. That I had killed his faith in humanity. After that, what could I say? I simply accepted it. After our conversation was over, I ran to my mother in tears, and in front of her and my father, I cried out this vicious gutteral sob "He left me, he really left me. He said he can't love me" and sobbed in front of my father. Over a guy. One thing my father cannot handle, is watching me cry in that much pain.
As tough as my dad is, he got choked up and had to rub his face to erase the pained expression on it, and he walked out of the house to let my mother and I talk. Talk about what though? All I could do was lay in my bed where she placed me, and sob while clutching my blankets.
Sharing this, after some time, got easier. I took it as a learning lesson. I will never forget it either.
No one can be expected to save you from yourself. That role, it falls on you. This doesn't mean you should ever give up. In fact, it means that you have to NOT give up. To prove that wannabe hero wrong. That you are indeed quite lovable. That you aren't a waste of space and affection. Most of all, if you don't give yourself the chance to reach the next step in your life, how can you expect anyone to want to give up their life time to be with you? Or even an ounce of their life time?
It sure as hell is not easy to love yourself. I don't love myself yet. I'm liking myself a little more each day though. I don't even consider daydreaming about dying. There's no point in it when there are over 180 countries on this planet, over 6 billion people to meet, over a billion varieties of foods to try, of movies to watch, of LIFE to experience. How can you possibly tell yourself that you don't deserve to live? You only get to say that after you've met at least 3 billion of those 6.5 billion people, tried at least 1/7th of the foods in this world, watched a shitload of amazing films, read as many novels as your hands can aquire, and seen at least 3 countries besides your own. Why? You're probably wondering why the hell Princess Plutonia would EVER say such random things.
I'll tell you why. Because the second that you think "this is all there is and ever will be, so I should just die." is the same fucking second that I would tell you "pick up your bags, we're going on a road trip. you're not dying on me today."
So to anyone who reads this, to anyone feeling alone and sad, and abandoned. I will tell you this much. Your turtles haven't abandoned you, the yummy food is waiting, and there are 3 billion people out there, waiting to shake your hand. Greet your new horizons, pack the bags, and always press forward. Turn around to wave goodbye briefly, but don't tether yourself to the pain in your past. Just use the little happiness that existed there, to keep you fueled long enough to find more of it.
I'm passing the metaphorical bread around the table so take a bite.
Always,
I used to swear up and down that I'd never live to be 24. Now I'm 25. I remember roughly upwards of 20 suicide attempts. I remember popping pills like crazy to stay awake and study obsessively, then taking downers just to sleep on the weekends. There were times, when honestly, I wouldn't eat. For days. I got so desperate that I drank cooking wine when I was 18. Other times, I'd drag myself out of the house just to buy a case of lager which I'd drink alone in my room until I burst into tears thinking that there was no way on earth that anyone could ever love me, when I couldn't even love me.
Yeah, being young, hurts that fucking much. It is NOT the best time of your life. It's genuinely the hardest. Later on, we can put on brave faces and be extremely strong if we let ourselves be, if we willingly recall the things we learned and conquered in the past.
There were days, when I couldn't get out of bed in the morning. Especially those bright, annoyingly sunny days. Yes. Annoyingly sunny, because no matter how bright it was outside, my insides felt corroded and like a window taped up and guarded to avoid all light. I hated sunny days for all of the wrong reasons. It reminded me of everything I couldn't have.
Imagine standing on a platform waiting for a train so you can go to school, when you're 18 and picturing throwing yourself in front of the train. Imagine actually STARTING TO DO IT. That was me. I was the girl who would quietly step up really close to the edge and beg for an ounce of "bravery" to make that jump. Same with balconies, cliffs, and trying to drown. People who say suicide is the easy way out, have no idea what goes through our heads while we consider it. "How much will the funeral cost my family?", "what... what about my TURTLES?", "god, did I pick the right underwear?". Trivial as these thoughts might be, they signify the exact feeling of abandonment that is lurking inside. The thought about costing your family money, it means feeling like a burden. The turtles? They're the only thing that I thought loved me. The underwear? Well that should be obvious. Societal standards, the judgement, the idea of being naked to anyone who is trying to figure out exactly how you died and having them judge you for wearing the wrong knickers. They are acute fears that provide a weak and fragile tie to reality and to life.
I have an ex, who once badgered me like crazy to find out why I cried so much. It was always like some odd twisted situation with us. He wanted to believe he could cure me. He came from a military family, his dad was supposedly hard on him and his brother. Since he kept badgering, I finally answered. He couldn't handle it. The more I cried, the colder and more distant he became. After a two hour explanation of the entirety of my life until that point, he just.... hung up the call. I freaked out assuming it was my fault, as usual, and called back to apologize. We tried to reconnect our relationship twice after that, when suddenly on Valentines day, after a $300 gift of lilies and chocolates (I'm allergic to chocolates but it's the thought that counts right?) he told me that he couldn't love me anymore. That I had left a big black hole where his heart used to be. That I had killed his faith in humanity. After that, what could I say? I simply accepted it. After our conversation was over, I ran to my mother in tears, and in front of her and my father, I cried out this vicious gutteral sob "He left me, he really left me. He said he can't love me" and sobbed in front of my father. Over a guy. One thing my father cannot handle, is watching me cry in that much pain.
As tough as my dad is, he got choked up and had to rub his face to erase the pained expression on it, and he walked out of the house to let my mother and I talk. Talk about what though? All I could do was lay in my bed where she placed me, and sob while clutching my blankets.
Sharing this, after some time, got easier. I took it as a learning lesson. I will never forget it either.
No one can be expected to save you from yourself. That role, it falls on you. This doesn't mean you should ever give up. In fact, it means that you have to NOT give up. To prove that wannabe hero wrong. That you are indeed quite lovable. That you aren't a waste of space and affection. Most of all, if you don't give yourself the chance to reach the next step in your life, how can you expect anyone to want to give up their life time to be with you? Or even an ounce of their life time?
It sure as hell is not easy to love yourself. I don't love myself yet. I'm liking myself a little more each day though. I don't even consider daydreaming about dying. There's no point in it when there are over 180 countries on this planet, over 6 billion people to meet, over a billion varieties of foods to try, of movies to watch, of LIFE to experience. How can you possibly tell yourself that you don't deserve to live? You only get to say that after you've met at least 3 billion of those 6.5 billion people, tried at least 1/7th of the foods in this world, watched a shitload of amazing films, read as many novels as your hands can aquire, and seen at least 3 countries besides your own. Why? You're probably wondering why the hell Princess Plutonia would EVER say such random things.
I'll tell you why. Because the second that you think "this is all there is and ever will be, so I should just die." is the same fucking second that I would tell you "pick up your bags, we're going on a road trip. you're not dying on me today."
So to anyone who reads this, to anyone feeling alone and sad, and abandoned. I will tell you this much. Your turtles haven't abandoned you, the yummy food is waiting, and there are 3 billion people out there, waiting to shake your hand. Greet your new horizons, pack the bags, and always press forward. Turn around to wave goodbye briefly, but don't tether yourself to the pain in your past. Just use the little happiness that existed there, to keep you fueled long enough to find more of it.
I'm passing the metaphorical bread around the table so take a bite.
Always,
Princess Plutonia
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
When ideas flow, walls will crumble.
Ever since my 25th birthday, it's like a giant vault of ideas and idea creating juices has pried itself open for me. I feel like alice in wonderland, with each new candy and treat I get a new idea.
I started out with one book. I ended up with two. Then listening to music one day, another premise for a new book struck me, and now I had three. Tonight, I'm reading an anonymous post from Honesty Box on Facebook, and I am not sleeping (yet again) and I end up with a fourth book in mind!
Badass Retrograde has been renamed Rebel Retrograde. The story remains about Aiden and her growth. The first book I had begun a long time ago, it's an untitled project still and I intend to strip it and retool it as I see fit. Third is about strangers with the key to the same apartment. Fourth is a surprise :p Nya Nya!
I'm excited about the future. About my writing. My parents are on board and supportive. My future is open to my own interpretation!
I started out with one book. I ended up with two. Then listening to music one day, another premise for a new book struck me, and now I had three. Tonight, I'm reading an anonymous post from Honesty Box on Facebook, and I am not sleeping (yet again) and I end up with a fourth book in mind!
Badass Retrograde has been renamed Rebel Retrograde. The story remains about Aiden and her growth. The first book I had begun a long time ago, it's an untitled project still and I intend to strip it and retool it as I see fit. Third is about strangers with the key to the same apartment. Fourth is a surprise :p Nya Nya!
I'm excited about the future. About my writing. My parents are on board and supportive. My future is open to my own interpretation!
Friday, November 13, 2009
Sometimes the events that seem so important pale in comparison to their aftermath.
My birthday came and went. It was fantastic. On the actual day (October 29) my parents were sweet and got me a strawberry cheesecake. My mom was dorky enough to light a match and pretend it was a candle but that added to the charm. She gave me roses and some candy. I'm not really a candy or rose person but the effort she made was nice.
My birthday get together at Miami Seaquarium was awesome to say the least. It was smaller than we'd expected but the fact that my two friends and I were together and enjoying ourselves made it feel like the fun would never end. We took so many pictures and rode the Ferris Wheel. I can definitely say it was my best birthday to date.
I did change though. Somehow mysteriously. I know it sounds funny and like it can't possibly make sense to change your habit in a few short days of turning 25, but it's true.
I've become more forgiving. More easy going. I also say a lot more positive things. I don't really say "This is impossible" about anything anymore. When others complain about things, I turn around and gently remind them that instead of freaking out about what can't be fixed we should make an effort to fix what is possible. I'm a bit more rational now. Well, except for some things ^_^ I still cry like a goon when my boyfriend and I get into a dumb little tiff. Even then though, I make dumb jokes as I'm crying. I actually make jokes while I cry! Like some weird comedic character out of a book!
I don't really know what to say beyond that. There's no hidden mystery here. There's no bitterness or regrets anymore. It's not even a clean slate. The past is still here in my bones and building me up like parts of a machine, but the old parts aren't rusty and hurtful anymore. It's like they've just adapted to their surroundings and to the new parts, to create a really interesting piece of work.
I look forward to getting to know myself for the next 25 years.
Sorry for the delay,
Plutonia
My birthday get together at Miami Seaquarium was awesome to say the least. It was smaller than we'd expected but the fact that my two friends and I were together and enjoying ourselves made it feel like the fun would never end. We took so many pictures and rode the Ferris Wheel. I can definitely say it was my best birthday to date.
I did change though. Somehow mysteriously. I know it sounds funny and like it can't possibly make sense to change your habit in a few short days of turning 25, but it's true.
I've become more forgiving. More easy going. I also say a lot more positive things. I don't really say "This is impossible" about anything anymore. When others complain about things, I turn around and gently remind them that instead of freaking out about what can't be fixed we should make an effort to fix what is possible. I'm a bit more rational now. Well, except for some things ^_^ I still cry like a goon when my boyfriend and I get into a dumb little tiff. Even then though, I make dumb jokes as I'm crying. I actually make jokes while I cry! Like some weird comedic character out of a book!
I don't really know what to say beyond that. There's no hidden mystery here. There's no bitterness or regrets anymore. It's not even a clean slate. The past is still here in my bones and building me up like parts of a machine, but the old parts aren't rusty and hurtful anymore. It's like they've just adapted to their surroundings and to the new parts, to create a really interesting piece of work.
I look forward to getting to know myself for the next 25 years.
Sorry for the delay,
Plutonia
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
It's always hardest to be honest with oneself.
I've got to admit I have the tendency to worry a lot. I worry about all sorts of things but the most detrimental is probably my irrational worries about being betrayed or abandoned.
I'm the type of person who, for as long as I can remember, always expects the person whom I love most to leave just when things get to the important stages. Whether it's friendship (my best friend can confirm. When I got sick I became secluded, a hermit, to the point where he felt that his opinion didn't matter to me. It wasn't intentional, it was a defense mechanism since someone I really trusted had just done exactly that. I suppose the effect rolled over and affected everyone around me.), or love, or acquaintances.
It's... amazingly hard for me to sit back and not wonder 'what if' all the time. Especially in relationships. To the point where I often destroy the relationship myself, or it deteriorates due to my distance and then sudden clinging. I can understand how no one would be able to keep up with that. To one minute hear "I love you" and the next minute get silent treatment or judgmental tones in simple phrases like "I understand. no. it's alright. you don't have to." I imagine it must drive anyone into confusion and frustration when this happens.
Ever since last year and certain situations occurred, I've been better... and worse. See, it's one thing to tell myself "Plu, it's ok, surely they've a very good reason for not contacting you. They DEFINITELY aren't doing anything fishy behind your back." to try and convince myself of someones obvious innocence. It's a very different thing to get my psyche to believe it. While every rational fiber in my being is stating the obvious and that I'm being paranoid, my chest hurts a little with that ounce of worry that always seems to hover.
I don't think that this is something externally caused anymore. At the beginning when I first became like this, it was, because I'd been lied to, cheated on, and hurt before in really bad ways. Now that can't even be the reason. Now the people I've chosen to keep around me have good intentions and good hearts. I trust them. Shockingly I trust them. But my body doesn't. I can't help but wonder if it's become a reflex mechanism. The instinct to distrust versus the blatant evidence of having no reason to.
Hopefully, now that I can trust them with a certain part of me, the rest of me will adapt to trusting them more. This isn't to say I'll trust ANYONE. I just hope to trust those people I love. I want to have faith in myself to the point where if I am scared, I choose to run to my best friend, or to my loved one, and say "Hi. Please take care of me for a minute, there's a chance I might do something stupid." before it ever gets to that point.
Lacking in (but making the effort!) trust,
Plutonia
I'm the type of person who, for as long as I can remember, always expects the person whom I love most to leave just when things get to the important stages. Whether it's friendship (my best friend can confirm. When I got sick I became secluded, a hermit, to the point where he felt that his opinion didn't matter to me. It wasn't intentional, it was a defense mechanism since someone I really trusted had just done exactly that. I suppose the effect rolled over and affected everyone around me.), or love, or acquaintances.
It's... amazingly hard for me to sit back and not wonder 'what if' all the time. Especially in relationships. To the point where I often destroy the relationship myself, or it deteriorates due to my distance and then sudden clinging. I can understand how no one would be able to keep up with that. To one minute hear "I love you" and the next minute get silent treatment or judgmental tones in simple phrases like "I understand. no. it's alright. you don't have to." I imagine it must drive anyone into confusion and frustration when this happens.
Ever since last year and certain situations occurred, I've been better... and worse. See, it's one thing to tell myself "Plu, it's ok, surely they've a very good reason for not contacting you. They DEFINITELY aren't doing anything fishy behind your back." to try and convince myself of someones obvious innocence. It's a very different thing to get my psyche to believe it. While every rational fiber in my being is stating the obvious and that I'm being paranoid, my chest hurts a little with that ounce of worry that always seems to hover.
I don't think that this is something externally caused anymore. At the beginning when I first became like this, it was, because I'd been lied to, cheated on, and hurt before in really bad ways. Now that can't even be the reason. Now the people I've chosen to keep around me have good intentions and good hearts. I trust them. Shockingly I trust them. But my body doesn't. I can't help but wonder if it's become a reflex mechanism. The instinct to distrust versus the blatant evidence of having no reason to.
Hopefully, now that I can trust them with a certain part of me, the rest of me will adapt to trusting them more. This isn't to say I'll trust ANYONE. I just hope to trust those people I love. I want to have faith in myself to the point where if I am scared, I choose to run to my best friend, or to my loved one, and say "Hi. Please take care of me for a minute, there's a chance I might do something stupid." before it ever gets to that point.
Lacking in (but making the effort!) trust,
Plutonia
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Patience is a virtue, but wasting money and time is not.
I'm awful at getting costumes together in time for Halloween. Usually because despite it being the day I celebrate my birthday, I don't normally do anything on that day. This year I opted for something different and happy.
I chose to invite two friends with me to the Miami Seaquarium for their Halloween night event. The thing is, the payment for my costume cleared on October 22. This leaves very little time for my costume to get here through UPS and the vendor on ebay didn't send me a tracking number so I'm sitting crossing my fingers and waiting. The problem with this is, that I am one of those people who utterly HATES wasting time and money without knowing if the effort will pay off or not.
Not to mention its my birthday. Its supposed to feel good. I am supposed to be happy.
So here it is. Just a few days to go. And I have to be patient. Not an easy task for Plutonia, my friends. Not at all.
Wish me luck and good Halloween vibes!
Plutonia
I chose to invite two friends with me to the Miami Seaquarium for their Halloween night event. The thing is, the payment for my costume cleared on October 22. This leaves very little time for my costume to get here through UPS and the vendor on ebay didn't send me a tracking number so I'm sitting crossing my fingers and waiting. The problem with this is, that I am one of those people who utterly HATES wasting time and money without knowing if the effort will pay off or not.
Not to mention its my birthday. Its supposed to feel good. I am supposed to be happy.
So here it is. Just a few days to go. And I have to be patient. Not an easy task for Plutonia, my friends. Not at all.
Wish me luck and good Halloween vibes!
Plutonia
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Hot Rainy Days and Irish Pubs.
I'm not from Miami in the orthodox sense. I was born here but I grew up in New England. Massachusetts to be more precise. Western Mass, but traveled all over New England and became very fond of the area as I grew up. Then I had to move back to Miami due to typical life circumstances.
It's very rare that I find myself feeling mellow and peaceful around here, and the feeling of guilt always seems to be hovering over me. Whenever I find a sanctuary that reminds me of home I feel that tension and guilt fade away, I don't worry as much about the amount I spend or how I'm going to go forward with my day, instead I guess I revert back to childlike sense of safety and security (which is odd because I never really had that, read post #1 for that information).
Today, though, I went to John Martins in Coral Gables. I had seen it before while my friend and I had waited for the ice cream shop next door to open a few months back, and I had been wanting to go in for a while. I wondered if it would have the same soothing feeling of O'Malley's in South Beach. The truth is they are both so amazingly different, but very lovable. At least to me anyway. While O'Malley's catered to my sporty side, indulged me and Mr. Neptune (my best friend who puts up with far too many of my antics) in escaping the hub bub of South Beach; John Martins reminded me of so many things I've probably been missing but didn't realize. When I walked in the room was filled with so many textures and colours, they all melted together to form an eclectic living scrapbook. The chairs were upholstered and padded, the tables were dark wood and mismatched shapes but fit well with the feeling of the place, there were knickknacks and artifacts everywhere.
The staff is really very charming as well. The ladies who served me, Alexandra and France (I really hope I chose the right spelling since I didn't ask how she spelled her nickname), were really sweet and chill. It's funny. I walk around Miami and I observe people, but I don't usually find people who are deep in thought. They all seem like they just rush all over the place with no desire to understand what might be ahead or what they've left behind. These girls appeared pensive and intelligent to me. There was something about them that clearly told me they wouldn't be stuck in this city forever, that there's a bigger plan for them. I also noticed that they don't carry those weird boulders of grudges on their shoulders like most Miamians do. At the very least their personalities didn't fit that mindset. I hope I encounter more people like them in the future, it'd give me more hope towards the future that looks rather dismal.
As for the food? Delicious! The Irish Dip sandwich was mouth watering and worth every bite (and the destruction of a shirt that has long survived many other disasters. If Mr. Jupiter had been there he would have made me wear a bib.... again), its made with Sirloin Beef with Roasted Peppers, Onions, and Mushrooms topped with Swiss and Provolone Cheese, Guinness au jus but I ixnay'ed the peppers for today. Then came dessert. Mind you, I don't normally eat that many sweets, at least not what feels like two desserts, but like I said, this place tossed out any sense of guilt I often carry. At the girls' suggestion I went with the Irish Whiskey Bread Pudding and a scoop of Bailey's Ice Cream. One thing is for sure, after I was done eating I considered for a fraction of a moment whether I should have indulged so much. After giving it some thought I chose to be honest with myself. It's rare that I get to do something so comforting and relaxing, it's rare that I get to sit somewhere and feel like there are no pressures on me to accomplish anything other than sitting there and enjoying whats in front of me. I ate it. I'd normally feel like crap about it. I don't feel like crap about it. I'm actually proud of myself for finding something that has made me a bit adaptable and has given me a sense of home.
The truth of the matter is, Massachusetts is still a long way away. Yes, I had moved back there recently, yes, things did not work out. Money is tight and life is hard but I'm not going to give up my goals. I'm heading back there eventually. As long as there are places like John Martins and O'Malley's to keep me going, to remind me that home is a flight away and all I need to do is really reach for it, I'll make it back to what is right for me.
The purpose of this blog is not really about reviewing food. It's about reviewing my experiences, understanding how I've grown and how I've reverted. Here's what I learned today though:
Just because you leave home, doesn't mean you should close off anything new out of fear. Just because you walk away from something for a day or a year or ten years, doesn't mean it will be just as you left it when you go back to it. Life is about adapting. Sometimes in the process of being honest with yourself and adapting to whats around you, you'll find amazing and comforting little pieces of things that remind you of home and you will cherish them, BUT you can't find these places and things if you close yourself off to the point where you only stick with what you create as an illusion of home. Four walls do not make a home, they create a shelter. It's your mindset that makes a place home.
Forever home in my mind,
Plutonia
It's very rare that I find myself feeling mellow and peaceful around here, and the feeling of guilt always seems to be hovering over me. Whenever I find a sanctuary that reminds me of home I feel that tension and guilt fade away, I don't worry as much about the amount I spend or how I'm going to go forward with my day, instead I guess I revert back to childlike sense of safety and security (which is odd because I never really had that, read post #1 for that information).
Today, though, I went to John Martins in Coral Gables. I had seen it before while my friend and I had waited for the ice cream shop next door to open a few months back, and I had been wanting to go in for a while. I wondered if it would have the same soothing feeling of O'Malley's in South Beach. The truth is they are both so amazingly different, but very lovable. At least to me anyway. While O'Malley's catered to my sporty side, indulged me and Mr. Neptune (my best friend who puts up with far too many of my antics) in escaping the hub bub of South Beach; John Martins reminded me of so many things I've probably been missing but didn't realize. When I walked in the room was filled with so many textures and colours, they all melted together to form an eclectic living scrapbook. The chairs were upholstered and padded, the tables were dark wood and mismatched shapes but fit well with the feeling of the place, there were knickknacks and artifacts everywhere.
The staff is really very charming as well. The ladies who served me, Alexandra and France (I really hope I chose the right spelling since I didn't ask how she spelled her nickname), were really sweet and chill. It's funny. I walk around Miami and I observe people, but I don't usually find people who are deep in thought. They all seem like they just rush all over the place with no desire to understand what might be ahead or what they've left behind. These girls appeared pensive and intelligent to me. There was something about them that clearly told me they wouldn't be stuck in this city forever, that there's a bigger plan for them. I also noticed that they don't carry those weird boulders of grudges on their shoulders like most Miamians do. At the very least their personalities didn't fit that mindset. I hope I encounter more people like them in the future, it'd give me more hope towards the future that looks rather dismal.
As for the food? Delicious! The Irish Dip sandwich was mouth watering and worth every bite (and the destruction of a shirt that has long survived many other disasters. If Mr. Jupiter had been there he would have made me wear a bib.... again), its made with Sirloin Beef with Roasted Peppers, Onions, and Mushrooms topped with Swiss and Provolone Cheese, Guinness au jus but I ixnay'ed the peppers for today. Then came dessert. Mind you, I don't normally eat that many sweets, at least not what feels like two desserts, but like I said, this place tossed out any sense of guilt I often carry. At the girls' suggestion I went with the Irish Whiskey Bread Pudding and a scoop of Bailey's Ice Cream. One thing is for sure, after I was done eating I considered for a fraction of a moment whether I should have indulged so much. After giving it some thought I chose to be honest with myself. It's rare that I get to do something so comforting and relaxing, it's rare that I get to sit somewhere and feel like there are no pressures on me to accomplish anything other than sitting there and enjoying whats in front of me. I ate it. I'd normally feel like crap about it. I don't feel like crap about it. I'm actually proud of myself for finding something that has made me a bit adaptable and has given me a sense of home.
The truth of the matter is, Massachusetts is still a long way away. Yes, I had moved back there recently, yes, things did not work out. Money is tight and life is hard but I'm not going to give up my goals. I'm heading back there eventually. As long as there are places like John Martins and O'Malley's to keep me going, to remind me that home is a flight away and all I need to do is really reach for it, I'll make it back to what is right for me.
The purpose of this blog is not really about reviewing food. It's about reviewing my experiences, understanding how I've grown and how I've reverted. Here's what I learned today though:
Just because you leave home, doesn't mean you should close off anything new out of fear. Just because you walk away from something for a day or a year or ten years, doesn't mean it will be just as you left it when you go back to it. Life is about adapting. Sometimes in the process of being honest with yourself and adapting to whats around you, you'll find amazing and comforting little pieces of things that remind you of home and you will cherish them, BUT you can't find these places and things if you close yourself off to the point where you only stick with what you create as an illusion of home. Four walls do not make a home, they create a shelter. It's your mindset that makes a place home.
Forever home in my mind,
Plutonia
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Happiness and common sense.
Days when life feels endless and burdensome are constant, understandably in this day and age. Time taken away from personal development by forced responsibilities, necessities, and incredible struggle against the odds allow people to falter, stumble and fall. At times, even with our best intentions forward, we burden others and hurt them by trying to cling too hard. Our desperation to not lose what we think is there makes us prickly, like porcupines on alert, distrusting and frightened.
It's amazing that people survive lately. With so many people killing themselves out of desperation and fear, their mind is locked into a predesigned box, made by politicians, relatives, and friends who stuck the nails into the coffins before anyone was ready to lie in them. No one ever wants to be blamed for someone else's disastrous downfall. No one wants responsibility or to remember that there were times when they should have said one thing but said another. Sometimes the words we utter brew from spite, anger, jealousy, but I think that most of all, those hurtful or apathetic words come from casting our own iron box around ourselves, a protective mechanism with bold letters printed on its shell saying "Do not come near. I can't afford to care this much about you. It's better if I just pretend I don't see your pain because really, would you even care about mine?" and the other person casts a similar box.
Boxes within boxes, all leading up to misunderstandings and confusion. Less and less human interaction, less desire to help others. Even agencies designed to help others have preferred a technology based method of communication. Who has ever heard of not being able to see a welfare worker face to face to discuss progress? How can someone without a job, afford to use a home based internet to apply for benefits? A president with an email on his own webpage, but the words sent there fall on deaf ears... and still, more and more people dying. Over and over again. People are dying. Emergency control over the internet? What happens then? The internet is a WORLD WIDE DATA BASE. Inhibit other countries internet access just to promote oneself and to abuse the system of communication? cut...people...off...some more. More people dying.
Happiness. I wonder if my children will understand what real happiness is. I wonder if the world will be overtaken by condos where we can't even have a cat for a child to learn what it's like to cherish something that breathes but isn't human. I wonder if they'll know what it's like to lay under a tree on a hot summer day counting the beams of light filtering through the trees. Will they understand the concept of inner peace? Or will they be swarmed by the dramatic rants from teachers and politicians about their 'civil' duties as children... when will they play again. I only see politicians kids and rich peoples kids with swings in their backyard... no one I know actually has a backyard big enough for a swing set anymore.
More people dying.
It's amazing that people survive lately. With so many people killing themselves out of desperation and fear, their mind is locked into a predesigned box, made by politicians, relatives, and friends who stuck the nails into the coffins before anyone was ready to lie in them. No one ever wants to be blamed for someone else's disastrous downfall. No one wants responsibility or to remember that there were times when they should have said one thing but said another. Sometimes the words we utter brew from spite, anger, jealousy, but I think that most of all, those hurtful or apathetic words come from casting our own iron box around ourselves, a protective mechanism with bold letters printed on its shell saying "Do not come near. I can't afford to care this much about you. It's better if I just pretend I don't see your pain because really, would you even care about mine?" and the other person casts a similar box.
Boxes within boxes, all leading up to misunderstandings and confusion. Less and less human interaction, less desire to help others. Even agencies designed to help others have preferred a technology based method of communication. Who has ever heard of not being able to see a welfare worker face to face to discuss progress? How can someone without a job, afford to use a home based internet to apply for benefits? A president with an email on his own webpage, but the words sent there fall on deaf ears... and still, more and more people dying. Over and over again. People are dying. Emergency control over the internet? What happens then? The internet is a WORLD WIDE DATA BASE. Inhibit other countries internet access just to promote oneself and to abuse the system of communication? cut...people...off...some more. More people dying.
Happiness. I wonder if my children will understand what real happiness is. I wonder if the world will be overtaken by condos where we can't even have a cat for a child to learn what it's like to cherish something that breathes but isn't human. I wonder if they'll know what it's like to lay under a tree on a hot summer day counting the beams of light filtering through the trees. Will they understand the concept of inner peace? Or will they be swarmed by the dramatic rants from teachers and politicians about their 'civil' duties as children... when will they play again. I only see politicians kids and rich peoples kids with swings in their backyard... no one I know actually has a backyard big enough for a swing set anymore.
More people dying.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Someone please attack the marshmellow girl before she eats the walls.
Surely those of you who read the title of this entry have a vague idea that this post is about eating habits. You'd be correct. See, I'm a typical plutonian. I have natural curves that once upon a time were a good thing for the following reasons: child bearing, wearing body-shape specific clothing, and tribal sacrifices to the fertility goddess. I think that last one might be a joke but for all we know its probably true SOMEWHERE.
Either way, I find it interesting how people who barely know girls like me feel the need to interject their ideas on how a person should live their life without first getting the facts. I have affirmed that this usually results in a brilliant display of a persons misguided ignorance. They may FEEL they are helping someone, but they are in fact NOT. Why are their tips not helping? Why do they result as being hurtful or just downright annoying? Simply put, because they don't do their research on the person they are speaking to.
Take for example this scenario. A girl who works a front desk position for 2 days a week, 11 hours a week. The only time the staff see's her is on Friday afternoons right after she comes straight from her classes, and all day Saturday. On Friday she doesn't get to eat during the whole day because directly from her classes she goes straight to work, and since she works only 4 hours that day she doesn't get a lunch break (legally its fair. I mean they can't pay her to go have lunch just because she had class right?) but she IS hungry and if she's too tired and drained, she won't do her job properly right? In that case, the girl has a yogurt. She had brought a salad too but when one of her coworkers noticed she was shying away a bit because she felt uncomfortable eating anything while someone crowds over her, he called her out on it. tsk tsk mr. coworker. You don't know her eating habits. Leave the poor marshmellow girl alone!
The next day is a similar situation. She wakes up at 6am to rush getting dressed and packing her things (a laptop and a few books to keep her entertained since saturdays can be deadly boring at a lab where only strictly dedicated people show up on saturday). She can't have breakfast because she absolutely has to catch the 7am train. She picks up a BAGEL and ORANGE JUICE on her way to work. She is halfway through eating it when the lab doors are opened and she's allowed in so she brings what is left of her breakfast with her. Four hours pass and her half hour lunch is starting but in a Downtown area where healthy meals cost $20 and up, her only other options are fast food joints (mostly because of the time constraint as well. To get anywhere other than the McDonalds takes about 10 minutes, then if you count prep time of the food, add another ten, then a final ten to get back to work. She has no choice but to eat at the front desk). She takes her food and sits down to eat and two of her coworkers feel the need to strike judgement before really thinking things through.
Before OPENING YOUR MOUTH TO LET SOMETHING OUT, -take consideration of what the marshmellow girl PUTS INTO HER MOUTH when you're NOT watching. Marshmellow girl is the type of girl who lives for hiking in the woods, eating Kashi Wildberry mix cereals, granola bars with pieces of strawberry in it. Yogurt, and fruit, and salads with raspberry vinagrette are the STAPLES of her actual diet. So before you look at the burger ( A MEDIUM SIZED MEAL BY THE WAY. not even a large!) and frown in your mind thinking "gee I wonder how she became marshmellow girl", ask her what type of foods she eats at home, what her favorite fruits are, what she likes to drink. Or better yet, spend some actual one on one time with her, observe her regularly instead of on two days when she has no other choice than to act like a behemoth because her financial situation is tight and she can't afford to make an extra meal two nights out of the week just to throw out the leftovers that her parents wont eat because its HEALTHY. Consider knowing who you're judging before passing judgement. Or do the AMAZINGLY DIFFICULT THING of NOT judging someone at all. For all we know, you guys might like using razorblade dildos in your private time, HEY I DON'T JUDGE, JUST USE SOME ANTISEPTIC AND MAKE SURE TO CLEAN OFF THE BLOOD.
At the end of the day though, for all it's worth, just make DAMN sure you don't look at Marshmellow girl as though she is any less than any of you because I assure you, she's one of the best damn people you will ever meet and if a little beef patty once a week and a cup of yogurt are going to turn you off, then maybe you're the one who isn't good enough for her!
I'm craving yogurt, BITE ME;
Forever my own person,
Plutonia
Either way, I find it interesting how people who barely know girls like me feel the need to interject their ideas on how a person should live their life without first getting the facts. I have affirmed that this usually results in a brilliant display of a persons misguided ignorance. They may FEEL they are helping someone, but they are in fact NOT. Why are their tips not helping? Why do they result as being hurtful or just downright annoying? Simply put, because they don't do their research on the person they are speaking to.
Take for example this scenario. A girl who works a front desk position for 2 days a week, 11 hours a week. The only time the staff see's her is on Friday afternoons right after she comes straight from her classes, and all day Saturday. On Friday she doesn't get to eat during the whole day because directly from her classes she goes straight to work, and since she works only 4 hours that day she doesn't get a lunch break (legally its fair. I mean they can't pay her to go have lunch just because she had class right?) but she IS hungry and if she's too tired and drained, she won't do her job properly right? In that case, the girl has a yogurt. She had brought a salad too but when one of her coworkers noticed she was shying away a bit because she felt uncomfortable eating anything while someone crowds over her, he called her out on it. tsk tsk mr. coworker. You don't know her eating habits. Leave the poor marshmellow girl alone!
The next day is a similar situation. She wakes up at 6am to rush getting dressed and packing her things (a laptop and a few books to keep her entertained since saturdays can be deadly boring at a lab where only strictly dedicated people show up on saturday). She can't have breakfast because she absolutely has to catch the 7am train. She picks up a BAGEL and ORANGE JUICE on her way to work. She is halfway through eating it when the lab doors are opened and she's allowed in so she brings what is left of her breakfast with her. Four hours pass and her half hour lunch is starting but in a Downtown area where healthy meals cost $20 and up, her only other options are fast food joints (mostly because of the time constraint as well. To get anywhere other than the McDonalds takes about 10 minutes, then if you count prep time of the food, add another ten, then a final ten to get back to work. She has no choice but to eat at the front desk). She takes her food and sits down to eat and two of her coworkers feel the need to strike judgement before really thinking things through.
Before OPENING YOUR MOUTH TO LET SOMETHING OUT, -take consideration of what the marshmellow girl PUTS INTO HER MOUTH when you're NOT watching. Marshmellow girl is the type of girl who lives for hiking in the woods, eating Kashi Wildberry mix cereals, granola bars with pieces of strawberry in it. Yogurt, and fruit, and salads with raspberry vinagrette are the STAPLES of her actual diet. So before you look at the burger ( A MEDIUM SIZED MEAL BY THE WAY. not even a large!) and frown in your mind thinking "gee I wonder how she became marshmellow girl", ask her what type of foods she eats at home, what her favorite fruits are, what she likes to drink. Or better yet, spend some actual one on one time with her, observe her regularly instead of on two days when she has no other choice than to act like a behemoth because her financial situation is tight and she can't afford to make an extra meal two nights out of the week just to throw out the leftovers that her parents wont eat because its HEALTHY. Consider knowing who you're judging before passing judgement. Or do the AMAZINGLY DIFFICULT THING of NOT judging someone at all. For all we know, you guys might like using razorblade dildos in your private time, HEY I DON'T JUDGE, JUST USE SOME ANTISEPTIC AND MAKE SURE TO CLEAN OFF THE BLOOD.
At the end of the day though, for all it's worth, just make DAMN sure you don't look at Marshmellow girl as though she is any less than any of you because I assure you, she's one of the best damn people you will ever meet and if a little beef patty once a week and a cup of yogurt are going to turn you off, then maybe you're the one who isn't good enough for her!
I'm craving yogurt, BITE ME;
Forever my own person,
Plutonia
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Where's the money?!
Has anyone noticed how quickly $100 disappears as of late? It's frightening. Twenty years ago, I remember that 5 dollars would last almost the whole week. I remember when Cookie Crisp cereal was 1.98 plus tax per box. I remember when it was ok to have THREE birthday cakes for someones birthday (if it was a big party and they were home made but STILL. IT WAS THREE CAKES!)
Now I'm 24. A month away from becoming 25. I realize that almost everything including a meal at McDonalds totals up to about $10. What does this mean to the typical part time worker / student? It means that 76% of our paychecks will be gone in less than a week if we make less than $300 every two weeks. If you have a contract cell phone and have to buy a bus pass then consider yourself latched at home and praying that something good on tv or a new anime comes on or that you can at least entertain yourself with some extremely absorbing mathematics or chemistry problems from the review packet of your next exam. At the very least, you might hope that your parents buy some paint to redo the living room just so you can watch PAINT DRY!
This isn't to say there are no options out there for free or almost free entertainment, but it does appear that people are going to have to start adjusting their idea of what entertainment really is in the first place. Hip Hop clubs with half naked women and ghetto girls bouncing their gadoonkadoonks? Sorry guys, those are now considered a hot item and you'll be paying at least $45 by the time the evening is over, don't assume the entry fee into the club is all there is. Ski trips and snowboarding? Only if you live in that type of area and can find a place of your own to do it for free, most of those places are now a luxury with a price tag to make someone want to sell their ovaries or their first born to science. I think you get the idea. What can be done for free? Book clubs, poetry clubs, art gallery openings, park fairs (sometimes its like $4 for an entry fee though). The point is, don't give up who you are, but find out if who you are is capable of appreciating something outside of your comfort zone. It might save you a LOT of money in the long run.
From my low paying front desk job;
Plutonia
Now I'm 24. A month away from becoming 25. I realize that almost everything including a meal at McDonalds totals up to about $10. What does this mean to the typical part time worker / student? It means that 76% of our paychecks will be gone in less than a week if we make less than $300 every two weeks. If you have a contract cell phone and have to buy a bus pass then consider yourself latched at home and praying that something good on tv or a new anime comes on or that you can at least entertain yourself with some extremely absorbing mathematics or chemistry problems from the review packet of your next exam. At the very least, you might hope that your parents buy some paint to redo the living room just so you can watch PAINT DRY!
This isn't to say there are no options out there for free or almost free entertainment, but it does appear that people are going to have to start adjusting their idea of what entertainment really is in the first place. Hip Hop clubs with half naked women and ghetto girls bouncing their gadoonkadoonks? Sorry guys, those are now considered a hot item and you'll be paying at least $45 by the time the evening is over, don't assume the entry fee into the club is all there is. Ski trips and snowboarding? Only if you live in that type of area and can find a place of your own to do it for free, most of those places are now a luxury with a price tag to make someone want to sell their ovaries or their first born to science. I think you get the idea. What can be done for free? Book clubs, poetry clubs, art gallery openings, park fairs (sometimes its like $4 for an entry fee though). The point is, don't give up who you are, but find out if who you are is capable of appreciating something outside of your comfort zone. It might save you a LOT of money in the long run.
From my low paying front desk job;
Plutonia
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Quarter of a Century.... and where has it gotten me.
Hello,
I'm Plutonia. I'm about to turn 25 years old. My previous relationships have all been.... complicated (but thats normal isn't it?). My dreams? ..... I guess you could say they changed a lot over the years but as of now they are to become a professor in Marine Archaeologist and a novelist. Both are extremely far fetched and a bit of a stretch considering my cultural scope. Friends? One amazing actor who loves Bette Davis and puts up with WAY too much of my pseudo-narcissistic paranoid crap. Another who is a wonderful and sweet chicky who wants to be a criminal investigator (have you EVER seen anyone who looks like they should be on the pep squad talking about homicide investigations? Yeahhh.) Another who is recently married and the mother of a brilliant and artistic little girl.
Oh yeah. I'm also an artist with not much to account for the title. I am a lot of things. A history buff, a bookworm, an artist with her head in the clouds, a photographer with no darkroom, and an outdoorsy chick who....never gets to do exciting outdoorsy things and doesn't get nearly enough exercise to claim she likes to be sporty (BUT I DO I DO. OH HOW I DO. I love tennis and soccer and hockey and snowboarding and skiing and all of the wonderful things I am far too limited to do! The distress. Woe be me. BUT I DO LOVE THESE THINGS AND DOING THEM!)
The rest of my friends include a very strongwilled girl obsessed with flamenco and tennis. A chilean who is a wiz at math and science but often underestimated. There are a few others... one of the things I've noticed though is that online friendships... they don't last that long. People start to develop this idea that you owe them a bigger piece of your life than you really do. Yes, it is always honorable to maintain friendships and care for others, yes it is wonderful to be able to extend affection beyond the limited borders of our own environment but it is NOT okay for anyone to assume that they can constantly toss responsibility on you for their life when you have not asked the same of them, especially from miles and miles away.
I really really want to get to the point of this post though. I'm turning 25 very soon and hopefully getting my A.A. in Commercial and Graphic Arts. Truth be told, I could have done so much by now. I limited myself, I stayed stuck on the past or trying to fix a past that wasn't fixable in the first place. I put myself in situations where I already knew the outcome would be bad but I felt that if maybe I made just one tiny decision differently, the outcome would somehow be altered into this wonderful and exciting life filled with virtues that just plainly were not meant to exist within those situations. I accept responsibility for this.
I also had a lot of roadblocks growing up. I was abused by a relatives husband as a little girl. I chose to pop pills in high school so I could always be ready and alert, but in the process I ended up hurting myself by exhausting my natural energy. I drained myself of my identity, and others took whatever was left for what they could. I was told I loved things like the color lavender/purple, or backstreet boys, I was given a warped sense of religion and familial duty. Forgive and forget was applied WAY too many times to things that were NOT forgivable or forgettable. I was put in inhumane emotionally dysfunctional environments.... and I placed myself in them too when I was old enough to recognize the worse of them.
A lot of people view me with so many different mirrors that it gets tiring to keep up a constant routine of taking off one emotional straight jacket and putting on another. Each smile has to be different because to each person my smiles mean different things. I have to watch what I say and when I say it...
But How Far Has This Mentality Gotten Me? Not very far.
So here I am, on a new blog, exploring who it is I really want to be. I know what profession I want. I know what lifestyle I want. Those were a bit easier to figure out. But now lets figure out who I am.
At times these posts might get intense or frustrating. Other times they may seem like purely lighthearted rubbish. Most of the time though, I hope they become insightful, and help you all along your journeys to figuring out if your Quarter of A Century, or Half a Century, or Three Fourths of a Century, are what you want them to be.
Never give up, Never surrender. Do not resort to limiting yourself just by your precognitions of who you THOUGHT you were.
I'll try my damnedest to follow my own advice.
With the future in sight;
Plutonia!
I'm Plutonia. I'm about to turn 25 years old. My previous relationships have all been.... complicated (but thats normal isn't it?). My dreams? ..... I guess you could say they changed a lot over the years but as of now they are to become a professor in Marine Archaeologist and a novelist. Both are extremely far fetched and a bit of a stretch considering my cultural scope. Friends? One amazing actor who loves Bette Davis and puts up with WAY too much of my pseudo-narcissistic paranoid crap. Another who is a wonderful and sweet chicky who wants to be a criminal investigator (have you EVER seen anyone who looks like they should be on the pep squad talking about homicide investigations? Yeahhh.) Another who is recently married and the mother of a brilliant and artistic little girl.
Oh yeah. I'm also an artist with not much to account for the title. I am a lot of things. A history buff, a bookworm, an artist with her head in the clouds, a photographer with no darkroom, and an outdoorsy chick who....never gets to do exciting outdoorsy things and doesn't get nearly enough exercise to claim she likes to be sporty (BUT I DO I DO. OH HOW I DO. I love tennis and soccer and hockey and snowboarding and skiing and all of the wonderful things I am far too limited to do! The distress. Woe be me. BUT I DO LOVE THESE THINGS AND DOING THEM!)
The rest of my friends include a very strongwilled girl obsessed with flamenco and tennis. A chilean who is a wiz at math and science but often underestimated. There are a few others... one of the things I've noticed though is that online friendships... they don't last that long. People start to develop this idea that you owe them a bigger piece of your life than you really do. Yes, it is always honorable to maintain friendships and care for others, yes it is wonderful to be able to extend affection beyond the limited borders of our own environment but it is NOT okay for anyone to assume that they can constantly toss responsibility on you for their life when you have not asked the same of them, especially from miles and miles away.
I really really want to get to the point of this post though. I'm turning 25 very soon and hopefully getting my A.A. in Commercial and Graphic Arts. Truth be told, I could have done so much by now. I limited myself, I stayed stuck on the past or trying to fix a past that wasn't fixable in the first place. I put myself in situations where I already knew the outcome would be bad but I felt that if maybe I made just one tiny decision differently, the outcome would somehow be altered into this wonderful and exciting life filled with virtues that just plainly were not meant to exist within those situations. I accept responsibility for this.
I also had a lot of roadblocks growing up. I was abused by a relatives husband as a little girl. I chose to pop pills in high school so I could always be ready and alert, but in the process I ended up hurting myself by exhausting my natural energy. I drained myself of my identity, and others took whatever was left for what they could. I was told I loved things like the color lavender/purple, or backstreet boys, I was given a warped sense of religion and familial duty. Forgive and forget was applied WAY too many times to things that were NOT forgivable or forgettable. I was put in inhumane emotionally dysfunctional environments.... and I placed myself in them too when I was old enough to recognize the worse of them.
A lot of people view me with so many different mirrors that it gets tiring to keep up a constant routine of taking off one emotional straight jacket and putting on another. Each smile has to be different because to each person my smiles mean different things. I have to watch what I say and when I say it...
But How Far Has This Mentality Gotten Me? Not very far.
So here I am, on a new blog, exploring who it is I really want to be. I know what profession I want. I know what lifestyle I want. Those were a bit easier to figure out. But now lets figure out who I am.
At times these posts might get intense or frustrating. Other times they may seem like purely lighthearted rubbish. Most of the time though, I hope they become insightful, and help you all along your journeys to figuring out if your Quarter of A Century, or Half a Century, or Three Fourths of a Century, are what you want them to be.
Never give up, Never surrender. Do not resort to limiting yourself just by your precognitions of who you THOUGHT you were.
I'll try my damnedest to follow my own advice.
With the future in sight;
Plutonia!
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