Quarter of a Century.... and where has it gotten me.

Hello,

I'm Plutonia. I'm about to turn 25 years old. My previous relationships have all been.... complicated (but thats normal isn't it?). My dreams? ..... I guess you could say they changed a lot over the years but as of now they are to become a professor in Marine Archaeologist and a novelist. Both are extremely far fetched and a bit of a stretch considering my cultural scope. Friends? One amazing actor who loves Bette Davis and puts up with WAY too much of my pseudo-narcissistic paranoid crap. Another who is a wonderful and sweet chicky who wants to be a criminal investigator (have you EVER seen anyone who looks like they should be on the pep squad talking about homicide investigations? Yeahhh.) Another who is recently married and the mother of a brilliant and artistic little girl.

Oh yeah. I'm also an artist with not much to account for the title. I am a lot of things. A history buff, a bookworm, an artist with her head in the clouds, a photographer with no darkroom, and an outdoorsy chick who....never gets to do exciting outdoorsy things and doesn't get nearly enough exercise to claim she likes to be sporty (BUT I DO I DO. OH HOW I DO. I love tennis and soccer and hockey and snowboarding and skiing and all of the wonderful things I am far too limited to do! The distress. Woe be me. BUT I DO LOVE THESE THINGS AND DOING THEM!)

The rest of my friends include a very strongwilled girl obsessed with flamenco and tennis. A chilean who is a wiz at math and science but often underestimated. There are a few others... one of the things I've noticed though is that online friendships... they don't last that long. People start to develop this idea that you owe them a bigger piece of your life than you really do. Yes, it is always honorable to maintain friendships and care for others, yes it is wonderful to be able to extend affection beyond the limited borders of our own environment but it is NOT okay for anyone to assume that they can constantly toss responsibility on you for their life when you have not asked the same of them, especially from miles and miles away.

I really really want to get to the point of this post though. I'm turning 25 very soon and hopefully getting my A.A. in Commercial and Graphic Arts. Truth be told, I could have done so much by now. I limited myself, I stayed stuck on the past or trying to fix a past that wasn't fixable in the first place. I put myself in situations where I already knew the outcome would be bad but I felt that if maybe I made just one tiny decision differently, the outcome would somehow be altered into this wonderful and exciting life filled with virtues that just plainly were not meant to exist within those situations. I accept responsibility for this.

I also had a lot of roadblocks growing up. I was abused by a relatives husband as a little girl. I chose to pop pills in high school so I could always be ready and alert, but in the process I ended up hurting myself by exhausting my natural energy. I drained myself of my identity, and others took whatever was left for what they could. I was told I loved things like the color lavender/purple, or backstreet boys, I was given a warped sense of religion and familial duty. Forgive and forget was applied WAY too many times to things that were NOT forgivable or forgettable. I was put in inhumane emotionally dysfunctional environments.... and I placed myself in them too when I was old enough to recognize the worse of them.


A lot of people view me with so many different mirrors that it gets tiring to keep up a constant routine of taking off one emotional straight jacket and putting on another. Each smile has to be different because to each person my smiles mean different things. I have to watch what I say and when I say it...



But How Far Has This Mentality Gotten Me? Not very far.


So here I am, on a new blog, exploring who it is I really want to be. I know what profession I want. I know what lifestyle I want. Those were a bit easier to figure out. But now lets figure out who I am.

At times these posts might get intense or frustrating. Other times they may seem like purely lighthearted rubbish. Most of the time though, I hope they become insightful, and help you all along your journeys to figuring out if your Quarter of A Century, or Half a Century, or Three Fourths of a Century, are what you want them to be.

Never give up, Never surrender. Do not resort to limiting yourself just by your precognitions of who you THOUGHT you were.


I'll try my damnedest to follow my own advice.



With the future in sight;
Plutonia!