Today is one of those days.

Sometimes I get into these moments... where I feel like screaming at someone "You're asking me for too much. JUST too much. Stop asking for so much!" but really. what if they aren't asking me for anything at all? What if what they have requested is so simple and so mundane that it feels earthshatteringly heavy to me because of how PLAIN it absolutely feels. I guess I never considered just how much I am always asking of everyone else. I wonder how they feel. I wonder what it's like to be inside them and see the world through their eyes. I wonder for example, what my best friend feels like when he wakes up in the morning. I wonder what my mother falls asleep worrying about. I wonder why my father finds refuge in television and food.

At times I even venture past that. I end up considering how it is that I appear to others. My Art History professor for example. I adored her. But a lot of times I wondered if I was a nuisance to her. I wonder if my employers really genuinely have faith in my ability to work well at my job, or if they keep me around because I'm willing to trudge through it and still come out ok. I wonder if they even like me. I don't really care whether people like me at the end of the day but it would be nice to know if they did or didn't. I like knowing what to expect from people.

I love my cousin, Carmen, and I think she loves me too. I wonder how I affect her though. I wonder if once I'm not around anymore, she'll still feel the same affection or if it will slowly turn into that distant "oh that memory is great" affection. I wonder if my best friend will be around in 20 or 30 years. I tell myself that giving eachother space is healthy, but I feel guilty not being able to cheer him on all of the time. I wonder if my habit to hurt myself unpredictably scares him or makes him sad. I wonder if I'm memorable, rather than just imposing myself on peoples existences.


I know I'm exhausting. I exhaust myself.



I wonder if they feel exhausted by themselves too. I'd love to have those indepth "where is the world going now?" conversations with quite a lot of my friends but I think they're afraid to consider it. I think talking about it tires them out, so they shrug it off. It's understandable. If I were anyone but me I'd like to shrug it off. I probably DO want to shrug it off, but the reality is intense and frightening now, and sure, when you compare it to the past struggles of others, what we are going through now as people probably isn't anywhere near as bad. But it doesn't make it any less scary.

I keep trying to write in my novels but I find myself writing a sentence and getting tired, or losing whatever drive I originally had to write at that moment. I can't even enjoy the films I used to love. I haven't read a decent book in a while. I keep picking up this book that is riveting but unlike the past me, I can't seem to read it for more than half an hour. I don't paint or really actually draw anymore. Most of my time is spent wondering what my next step in ANYTHING should be. I don't sleep anymore. I sleep if I get so exhausted that it hurts to breathe and my eyes almost always feel sore and like someone punched me. my lips hurt from biting them. My cuticles are disasters from constantly biting them.


This is reality. Life is really hard. Life is about struggling and pushing forward and finding the happiness. It isn't handed on a silver platter. As for those who say that money is the root of all evil? They say it just because they've never had to live without it. Would I take wealth over fame? In a fraction of an instant. I'd finally like some financial stability. Does it mean I'll do anything to get it? Heh, nothing stupid, thats for sure. Will I work hard to get there? If I have enough energy in the morning, and probably even if I don't.